artshark. that cynicism i don't display in person.

To me, it felt like a break-up. A really emotional break-up.

When you think you were just friends and suddenly you realise you have so much feelings deep inside. Then to find out things you just didn’t want to hear, you just screamed your lungs out and still no one could hear your cry?

Yeah, I felt like that. And boy, did it feel horrible.

Time and time again, I thought to myself, it was a break-up. A break-up between two boys, best friends and could-be lovers, which to me was a huge loss. Seeing how much effort and pain I put into the relationship.

But see the thing is, nothing was ever official. I mean, yeah, I would tell him I like him and shit like that and I never knew if he felt the same way. It’s that feeling of, “oh I don’t need to say” that always seems to come into play.

Because he would return my hugs, talks to me about things he don’t tell other people, answer my calls, demand a reply whenever he texts me, only let me enter his room, share his deepest secrets and…

Return an ‘I love you too’, even if it’s once.

And it’s insane to know you have these feelings inside and you can’t really let it out because we broke-up? And I don’t know if we can all it a break-up since we weren’t really together, but it felt like that. It felt like I lost my soulmate.

Back then, he would wave to me, smile at me and all I could do was just give him the poker face. I felt betrayed and shitty. I didn’t know what to feel. All I knew was, “you hurt me, I left, never do it again!”. But deep in my heart I have always wanted to be with him.

I could never explain it in words, even if that meant saying a simple ‘hello’, I never could do it.

I don’t know if it is ego or if my defense mechanism is on steroids, all I knew was that I had to distance myself from him, even though I didn’t want to. I never wanted to.

I loved him. And I still love him.

He is on my mind constantly.

But perhaps, I am his past.

His new phone doesn’t have my number.

We don’t talk anymore.

We both find it hard to smile when we’re asked to be in the same photo.

It’s just that difficult.

Because even when you’re not officially together with someone, a break-up is always possible at any circumstance.

And it’s been more than a year since we talked.

I miss you. Everyday.

and i get so emotional. I’m trying to accept that “things have changed for me”, but it’s difficult.

The proper answer is to tell the truth, not some cocky bullshit of a story that you cooked up in thirty seconds.

The nerve of some people when they think they’re better than you or when they think you’re not worthy, and still play these games when you man up and confront them: what is this fuckery?

I might not be the best blogger, I might tweet abusively, and it’s totally fine to hit that unfollow button, but when I asked if you clicked it, you better be telling the truth. It’s not pretty to lie.

You got things going on in your life and you want to get some shit going for yourself, but it says a lot about your application of this scenario in your real life. You get close to people and then leave them. What the fuck for?

You stay close with the ones you are always with and the ones that were with you for some period of time, you not just leave and say hello once in a while, you just leave totally. So I’m asking you this: Are you an asshole?

Answer honestly.

It’s fine to be a little absent sometimes, but totally distancing yourself and removing friends from places is kinda like seeing an old friend in a distance and you try to walk swiftly with your palms on your face hoping that old friend won’t see you.

Don’t be a bitch. You don’t need to pretend to like people. I liked you for who you are, now I just think you’re a fake ass motherfucker.

I do hope the best for you but it’s hard for me to mean it when I’m treated like some plastic bag, drifting through the wind.

But I digress.

I should learn to stop supporting people, encouraging them, giving them free promo to my followers and just be a good friend to them. I should start being a bitch since everyone else takes me for a fool.

And really. You hit the unfollow button and you didn’t how it happened? What. A. Class. Act.

and the very fact that i’m open doesn’t mean i reveal every little mystery about myself. some secrets, yes, they’re too big to be kept a secret, but you don’t know every inch of me.

i may be a bitch sometimes, but i know what’s right and what’s wrong. sometimes i may accidentally slip something when i shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean i hate you.

unless i really hate you.

You are worst than anyone I’ve known because you know everything, how I was hurt in the past, and you did the exact same thing, leaving me with no explanation.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Your promises are all lies and everything about you is a lie. One day, without much caution, you will be left behind. You’ve never felt the feeling of being left behind, but you will be. You will be alone in that shell that you call your ego.

I hope you rot in hell, you abominable twat. Fuck this shit. So many questions about you and answers I’ve kept hidden. You should stay hidden, bitch. Slowly the real you is creeping out and what separates the entity of your soul and facade will collide in one big ball of frustration and confusion. You, old friend, will be left behind.

Just like how you left me. Hanging and questioning.

Worthless piece of shit. I despise you and I hope your mediocre, low self-esteem yet self-indulgent ass lands yourself in an orgy of douchbaggery.

Die, bitch, die. First name Mother, last name Fucker, literally, you will never be. Haha.

P/s friends, pls don’t ask me about this. This is the best form of closure I can get. Goodnight.

I should put ArtShark to good use. I want to give advice and insight into people’s lives and hopefully help people out.

Send in your questions/whathaveyous here or here. :)

Here’s my 5-year plan.

2011 - 2013: National Service
2013 - 2014: Work in Social Media line
2015: Interview to be a steward for SIA.
2015 - 2016: Steward, Travel the world

Pretty much that. I want to live life to the fullest and live life for me, aside from supporting my parents at their old age. I want to live a rich and fulfilling life, before I settle down and get married.

I also want to be a model, but maybe because of my age by then, I think I’ll be a model for my own entertainment purposes. But that’s besides the point.

Although my 5-year plan isn’t concrete, it is a guideline, that I want to follow. I really want to travel the world and if possible, I want to bring my Mum around the world. She is really fond of Europe and places like Italy, France and Britain excite her, so maybe one day, it is possible for her to be at these places for real and not through the travel channel.

I’ll just bring my Dad to the Emirates stadium. He’s a crazy Arsenal fan so that’s good enough.

At the end of the day, aside from living for myself, I really want to give back to my parents. They’ve been working all their lives to make my life amazing, whatever I do can never be good enough but even for such a small gesture, they’ll love it. Well, at least I hope so.

I don’t like to plan far as planning far means a higher chance of shit happening to your dreams, so I’ll keep it there.

I love my parents, so really, before my parents leave, my dreams is to really make them happy, and the underlying truth is that I want to make them proud.

Love,
Zulkarnain Sadali 

You are the best; and also the worst sister I can ever ask for.

You are the best because you always know what best for me and you carry out your duties as a sister. You take care of me when I need you and you certainly know if something is up with me.

Good at being defensive, you always stand up for me when I am in trouble, be it with our parents or with my friends at school, you always seem like the one I can turn to, but I never do and I take that for granted because being my sister, it is a little awkward to be sharing my personal life with you.

Even so, me being the little brother, and God forbid, after Dad leaves, man of the family, I have to show that I am capable of being independent and I hope you can understand sometimes why I am very evasive when it comes to my problems; that I do want to deal with it on my own.

You are the worst because you always try to get all in my grill. The more evasive I am, the more you try to dig deeper into my life and you always get what you don’t want to hear. You are asking me questions to which the answer you don’t want to hear and yet, you still ask me.

I am peeved at how you push your beliefs onto me. I can say I am old enough to think on my own, have my own set of opinions and as much I am open to listening to yours, I know myself, no matter how self-destructive I can get, I will get over it on my own.

I don’t like how you’re always easily proud of small accomplishments to the point my more significant ones are overshadowed by them. I’m glad you help out around the house, but really, is there a need to brag whether you vacuumed last?

Annoyingly, or not, you have always been the one to rebel, and every wrong point and turn you made, I was there to defend you when our parents get pissed off. Why can’t you do the same instead of turning onto me? I wish that you can remember that you messed up, many times. However, I never told you how much I defended you. I hope you can at least read the signs that I defended you in front of our parents.

You are an amazing sister, you are. And I believed you picked up signs about me a long time ago and I wish that you would embrace who I am rather than wishing I will turn into something you want me to be. Perhaps being your shopping buddy might have told you more about me than anything.

I love you and I hope one day you can love me the way I am, because no matter how annoying or different you are, I will always love you.

Your brother, and the uncle of your future children,
Mamat 

Maybe I should start reminding people of the things I do/did for them. I realized this whole year I was made used of more often than I did the same to them.

The difference is, when people needed a favor from me, I willingly help. And it’s fine. You need access to info, you wanna get to know someone, you need someone to talk to. Done deal, no questions asked, no judgements passed.

But when it comes to me, masyaallah. I can’t get away with anything. It’s like everyone wants me to be responsible and feel guilty when I ask something of them. Is that fair?

For the times you asked for help, I was the first that was there and actually came through for you.

For the times you needed help and without asking, I was ready to assist.

No, you. All of you, listen to me.

I have had it with your diva tantrums and your dirty looks. You pass judgements on me as if you, all of you are perfect. Well, all of us are not perfect.

I was your friend when you needed one. When no one was there. When everyone wanted to mind their own fucking business, I was one of those who called everyone together to support each other.

Because I fucking give a damn.

Travel all the way to the west to support?

Make some calls to try and help you find your phone?

Held your head as you hurled?

Fucking listen to you talk and poured your heart out?

Being the only one that hated you and loved you at the same time and still was honest about it because you were my bro?

Having known I’ve disappointed many people isn’t the same as a group of people leaving me.

You lost me; an individual. I lost all of you. How do you think I felt? You think I’m selfish, self-indulgent and I use people. Fact is I do.

The only difference between me and you is that I am honest about it. Don’t walk around with your heads held high because you’ve little to be proud of.

For every flaw in you, I’ve embraced and come to terms with it. Your fakeness, unfriendliness, anger, pain, sorrow. But when I fuck up, it’s like I destroyed the world too.

It pains me that we can’t talk the way were but everything is so difficult now. Pointing fingers is so horrible but one thing is for certain: I feel betrayed.

You are probably gonna read this and there’s a high chance you all do. I can’t even bother to look and smile at you because you all were my friends. I can’t stand being fake to you guys. I just can’t.

I tried talking to Mumu but I cant even lie to him. I fucking can’t lie and pretend things are okay.

Not saying that I am not putting the past behind me, but thing is, I have. I’m happy you guys are at a happier place. I am too.

I am thankful for the friends I have now. There is one thing that I am thankful out of all these. I’ve truly found out who has been honest and who hasn’t.

Don’t keep preaching about how small number of friends and how they’re not fake. Just stop it. Everyone talks about each other. But friends do that. Accept that it’s normal. Its a matter of who defends who and not to take sides.

There are people who DID NOT take sides and apparently because you assume they took my side that it broke out into a bigger fuckery for those innocent.

Anyway, whatever secrets shared on the course of our friendship (of which you probably deny now) is safe. We might not be friends anymore but that doesn’t mean I’m wikileaks.

And I’m merely exploding now because I’ve never actually talked about it. Only to Farhanah and Suharty. You all have your anonymous tweets. Lock as you may but we’re all connected anyway.

Goodnight.

You know, I never really had the opportunity to send a friend off at the airport. I guess I got pretty comfortable with friends that I know would stay.

And then, I met you.

We spent a lot of time together, most of which were really sweet and really a time for euphoria. With you, I let my inhibitions go and I was full able to be myself, anytime and anywhere, which to me, was important.

Let’s just say we’re kids having too much fun and forgetting the world.

But reality hit me when you said, “I can’t stay much longer. Renewal for work permit has been rejected.”

And soon someone I felt that I could spend years with turned to be something comparable to summer love. Crazy, fun, short but with a lasting impression.

And now that lasting impression has come to hit me hard.

Our last date together showed me even more that you were just a summer love. We were crazy for each other, yes, but both of us has unhinged feelings of the past. You with your ex and me with a friend, though I didn’t really want to tell you much.

Last night, I slept with a weird pattern, 6pm to midnight. And by 1 am, I texted you and it seemed like it felt right. You were like a nocturnal animal, awake and talking to friends late at night - and we talked.

“I want to send you to the airport tomorrow”, I said.

“Are you sure? Won’t it be an inconvenience for you?”

“No… I live nearby.”

“Well…”

“Why don’t you want me there?”

“I just don’t want it to be awkward”

“Look. I might not see you again. I want to make the best of the moment.”

“Okay. I’m checking in at 1030am.”

“Goodnight.”

I reached the airport 10am just now, and I was tweeting away and suddenly I felt a sharp poke at my sides. You were there, smiling the biggest grin.

I hugged you tightly. And i felt the same from you.

But when I let you go, I realised who you were with. Your ex.

And try as I may to keep a straight face, I couldn’t. From then on, it just felt awkward. I had to get out of there and you knew I was feeling really lousy. You said your goodbyes and went the other direction.

I look back and you were pushing your trolley with him, seeing how close you two were. I tried my hardest to contain my sadness. I just wanted to get out of there.

I hope to see you again. But for now, you’re nothing but a friend and my summer love.